Funny as hell quote warning you will die of laughter
Warning if you get triggered in any way please leave the thread
As this is from Jeff Dunham's very special christmas special
Jeff: "'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house-"
Peanut: Why is it always a house?
Jeff: What?
Peanut: Like there's kids that live in apartments. How does Santa Claus get to the kids in the apartments, Uncle Jeffie? They have to buzz his ass in. (Buzzer noise: Eh-Ehhh!) "Santa Claus".
Jeff: "...And all through the apartments, not a creature was stirring-"
Peanut: Except for the asshole in 2-B. They're drunk and hitting each other with menorahs. "Oy vey". That's Jewish for "holy shit". Nothing funnier than throwing in a couple of "holy shits" before "The Night Before Christmas", huh?
Jeff: "...Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse."
Peanut: Mouse? You wish. You're in an apartment, that's a rat.
Jeff: "The stockings were hung by the chimney with care."
Peanut: And believe me, the room could use some fresh air. Seriously, how the hell did that tradition start?
Jeff: What?
Peanut: Hanging up dirty laundry hoping Santa would fill them with goodies? "I'd like to suck on this candy cane, but it smells like Dad's feet". Good thing the tradition wasn't jockstraps. "Sally, what's in yours?" "Nuts. And Mommy says they're magically delicious."
Jeff: You are ruining this story!
Peanut: You're the pervert eating out of your own jockstrap. Isn't this the part with kids and sugar plums dancing in their heads?
Jeff: Yeah?
Peanut: What does that mean? I think they're hallucinating. These apartment children are on drugs. Santa's gonna bring me a G.I. Joe and a bong. And Daddy wants a ho ho ho. It's Daddy and the three hos.
Jeff: "With mama in her kerchief and I in my cap, had just settled down-"
Peanut: "For a big snort of crack". Oh, Guitar Guy. You're in this story too. Well, you have to get to the part where Santa gets busted for breaking and entering. Where the hell is that?
Jeff: It's not breaking and entering!
Peanut: Oh, keep reading. I think it qualifies.
Jeff: "As I drew in my head and was turning around, down the chimney Saint Nicholas came with a bound."
Peanut: He fell down.
Jeff: Yes.
Peanut: Doesn't it say his face was all red?
Jeff: Yeah.
Peanut: Why doesn't no one ever see this? He is drunk off his ass! This is a horrible, horrible story!
Jeff: "He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot."
Peanut: Fat; drinkin' and drivin'... in a furry gay outfit... covered in soot; he's smokin', and you let him in the house because he said he had something for your kids! What the hell kind of father are you, anyway? If I were you, I'd check his I.D., then Taser his fat ass! And how fat is this guy anyway? Everyone always leavin' him a plates full of cookies, I'd think he's a diabetic too, don'tcha think?! You gotta leave 'em a plateful of insulin, how 'bout that? Can't wait to hear this story next year: "The Night Before Christmas, Part 2: Santa's On Dialysis And He's Missing A Leg!" … And all of his little dollies have "poliosis!"